How to Influence Change

Everyone has something they want to change. The ultimate goal is clear, it’s just the steps to initiate the change that seem blurry. There’s no roadmap with the ultimate goal as the destination so how do we draw a map? One direction instruction at a time. Just like every other map. Envision your goal: someone treating you differently, the addition of a new habit, the subtraction of an old habit, a change in lifestyle. Think of it as clearly as possible, how it would make you feel, how you would know it has been accomplished, what other people would say about it, what it would mean to your life. Go into detail and resonate with your goal for a moment. Now, what are you doing that doesn’t fit with that goal? What is the first step that you can take today that aligns with your goal? Lasting change doesn’t happen overnight. It develops slowly over time. You’ll know when you’ve created a lasting change because you won’t have to think about it, it will be thoughtless because it will be your reality. When we make sudden changes that aren’t true to ourselves it feels like a constant nag, like a “have to”, and it doesn’t last. Change is influenced, not enforced.

If your change is to be treated differently then you, not the other person, must behave differently. You cannot change another person, only that person can change themselves. So, begin to examine your interactions more closely. Hold your head higher, be more direct, speak with clarity, see how the world’s response to you changes. Envision the person that is treated how you want to be treated. Emulate that version of yourself and your reward will be a changed response. People who have become accustomed to treating you a certain way may need boundaries established. What you will and won’t accept must be communicated. People can accept this or they can become accustomed to a distance from you, initiated by you. You control your environment maybe not completely in what happens to you but completely in your responses and the direction you emit your energy.

If your change is a habit, for example, to keep the house more tidy, begin with your response to your house. Think of your home and understand the feeling that comes with your home. If you feel overwhelmed, begin to take control of your home one area at a time. Go you your closet and set it up exactly how you would like it to be and the next time you do your laundry, you will be encouraged to put things away how they were before because you chose that. You are responsible for the way your closet looks, you chose how it looks, and you make the decisions for the items that are there. For other people in your home, lead by example and guide them through the same process you went through. If your children throw their clothes on the ground, maybe it’s because they haven’t taken ownership of where their clothes go. If they are holding a shirt, do they know where they want to put it? Some people like to hang things and some people like to fold things. Which does your child prefer? Do they understand categories? These are not lessons we learn all at once, but over time. We develop our sense of what works for us and what does not work for us, what we like and what we don’t like.

Change your mindset by understanding why you choose an action. Why do we choose to leave a plate on the table? We walk away from the table anyways, why don’t we take the plate? We either put the plate in the sink/dishwasher now or later, why don’t we put it there now? Are we waiting for someone else to take the plate? If they haven’t established that habit before, why would they start now? Our expectation for others cannot be cultivated in our own mind without including the other person. If we reach a conclusion on our own and then hold another person responsible, that’s not fair to the other person because they didn’t come to the conclusion with us so they simply don’t understand the expectation we have reached. Once you understand your own actions, then you can begin understanding the actions of other people without blame. Start by establishing an expectation for yourself. Start by understanding why you choose an action without including others. Then, you will begin to understand your home more. If you find the answer is “I don’t take the plate because I just don’t want to deal with it right now”, you have just uncovered the first step in changing how you feel about your home; to reaching the ultimate goal of loving your home.

Maintain

Everything is the way you want it… for now. But what falls apart when life starts happening? No need to worry, it’s just a part of the process-the maintenance process. If you put everything in place and that area only stays the way you want it for a few days or even a few hours, then that system is not working for you. It is common to feel frustrated or discouraged for not being able to keep your space neat but this is not a reflection of you, just of the system you are using.

For example, if you can never keep on top of your clothes, look at your habits. If your dirty clothes end up in a predictable pile on the floor, put your hamper in that area. If you finish drying your clothes but don’t feel like folding them and putting them away, get a designated basket for your clean clothes rather than creating a clean clothes pile. It is important to contain everything so you don’t feel like your clothes are dirty by the time you are ready to fold them because they’ve been sitting out in the open somewhere. If you avoid putting your clothes away because you don’t know where to put them, don’t just throw them in a drawer. Take the time to look in your drawers and organize them according to what works for you. Every type of clothing should have a place. Find a home for everything and ensure it’s home makes sense for you and your habits. If you simply cannot get started on the laundry, time yourself. If you spend more time feeling frustrated by not having clean clothes, looking for clothes, or thinking “I need to do the laundry”, compare the time it takes to actually do the laundry to the amount of time spent on thinking about doing the laundry. Another trick is to add laundry to another habit. After you brush your teeth put clothes in the washer, before you leave for school/work put clothes in the dryer, before your bedtime routine, fold the clothes and put them away. Find what habits work for you to tie together.

Be gentle with yourself in finding what maintenance systems work for you. Notice how you feel after completing daily routines and take a moment to reflect on that feeling compared to the feeling of being overwhelmed by systems that don’t work. With the right maintenance you won’t feel overwhelmed because you know what to do and how to do it. Starting the process takes less time and doing the process becomes second-nature. It is totally okay to have an off-day and having the right systems in place help you pick right back up where you left off.